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I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
-- Jack Handey

Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.
-- Homer J. Simpson

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.
-- Jack Handey

Hollywood is a gold-plated suburb suitable for golfers, gardeners, assorted middlemen, and contented movies stars. I am none of these things.
-- Orson Welles

What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?
-- The Doctor

A witty saying proves nothing.
-- Voltaire

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
-- Groucho Marx

Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain

It's hard to have a righteous opinion on the environment when you're as selfish and uninformed as I am. On one hand, I'm a cat-loving vegetarian who ought to care deeply about the caribou or koala bears or bats or whatever they have in Alaska. On the other hand, I live in California so I'd be willing to squeeze school children to death if I thought some oil would come out.
-- Scott Adams

If you see a whole thing - it seems that it's always beautiful. Planets, lives.... But close up a world's all dirt and rocks. And day to day, life's a hard job, you get tired, you lose the pattern.
-- Ursula K. Le Guin

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.
-- Groucho Marx

I can hardly see how anyone ought to wish Christianity to be true; for if so the plain language of the text seems to show that the men who do not believe, and this would include my Father, Brother and almost all my best friends, will be everlastingly punished. And this is a damnable doctrine.
-- Charles Darwin

Stupid men are often capable of things the clever would not dare to contemplate...
-- Terry Pratchett (Feet of Clay)

Almost anything derogatory you could say about today's software design would be accurate.
-- K.E. Iverson

This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.
-- Wolfgang Pauli

All right, brain. You don't like me and I don't like you, but let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
-- Arthur C. Clarke

As long as people are still having premartial sex with many anonymous partners while at the same time experimenting with mind-expanding drugs in a consequence-free environment, I'll be sound as a pound!
-- Austin Powers